Four women that I would consider good friends have spoken to me in the past week, or so, about the (for me) touchy subject of their exes and, as such, I have decided to write about it.
In the interest of full disclosure, these uteri vary in age from 19 to 37. Also, they come from different racial and ethnic backgrounds, religious affiliations and family lives... So, let's take it easy with the canned psychology for a minute.
I won't get into the specifics of each pair. I'll just say that all of their stories follow a very similar path. It is that path that frustrates me for a myriad of reasons.
Each of these women is consistently, and relentlessly, manipulated by an ex that knows how to pull on their heartstrings and make them "dance" their way right back to a guy that has no respect for, or appreciation of, them as a person.
I sit mesmerized by the similarities in their stories. He "called me", "emailed me", "texted me", "stopped by (always just for a minute) because he had something really important to tell me" or (my personal favorite) "posted something on his facebook that really upset me".
I'm not even remotely trying to play "Holier than thou" but I have to say, I really don't get it.
My friends are some of the most beautiful, and interesting, girls in the world inside and out. Yet, somehow, they always seem to have one idiot in their lives, that they've already accepted as inadequate, or otherwise not in their best interest, in the past. An idiot that they've ended a prior relationship with, usually more than once, that persistently nags at their psyche and is able to convince them that he is needed by them because they continuously allow him to do so.
In more than one of these examples, the object of the manipulation perceives this effort as "romantic" or (God forbid) "destiny".
Miraculously, this rare phenomenon usually seems to happen at one of two times. Either, when they are dating, or interested in, someone else and in the "happily ever after" phase of that new relationship, or, when they're genuinely standing on their own two feet for the first time.
What a coincidence!!
So you're finally strong and on your own or, worse yet, when there's a new prince charming in town. Suddenly, the old cast off, that knows your likes and dislikes, is suddenly the guy you always wanted him to be. It boggles my mind.
I have no ulterior motive here. I'm not wanting to, or trying to, date a single one of these lovely ladies. Rather, I see them as genuine friends about which I care greatly. I'm just troubled by their inability to see how they're being wronged.
I was touched by the theme of the movie "Friends with Benefits". I love the idea that you can lose your soulmate because you refused to let go of someone else, see them for who they really are or recognize the real love of your life.
One thing that all of these girls have in common is that they all expect that the only real way to move past their ex, is to have a guy come into their lives that is perfect in every way. he will be a guy who says, and does, all the right things at all the right times. Somehow this guy will need to be prince charming, yet, respect their independence. He will need to sweep them off their feet and, somehow, be 50/50 partners.
Ladies, no one can be all of those things. And why would he try to be that when your ex can simply manipulate you one day, crush your enthusiasm and make you wonder... What if?
If you genuinely want to be happy, you have to realize that your ex is only interested in making himself happy. The easiest way to accomplish that is to keep you from being happy with yourself or someone else.
If he made you happy... He simply wouldn't be your ex... Again.
UPDATE: So AFTER I posted this an ex of mine informed me that she is back together with her ex that slept with her best friend... Haha... Speechless.
you never talk about me.
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