State of Unhappiness v. David DeVito... Don't Judge Me!

Perhaps the biggest revelation of my entire life happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I promised that I would write about it, so I am making the time to do so.

Opening Argument:

I'm broken. Most of us are. Very rarely do we take the time to acknowledge it, let alone correct it. For the past few weeks, I have discovered the crux of my issue. As I have all year long, I am voicing it here for anyone who would like to listen to do so. I keep referring to the "hole" that I had inside. It is a hole that I have tried to fill with jobs, cars and, most importantly, women! That hole is actually insecurity. My insecurity was deeply rooted, immeasurable and almost impossible for me to recognize in myself. But after months of personal analysis, and the help of a few good friends, I have found it.

Exhibit 1

I have worked for at least 6 millionaires and one billionaire. I have thrown myself into every job I have had as if it were my own business. Six to nine months into the job, I begin to get "ancy". I begin to feel as if the level of dedication is not reciprocated by the company and/or person in charge and begin to get frustrated. That frustration grows to a point where I simply do not enjoy the work and no longer want to be part of the operation. Now, in MANY cases, I have been wronged. I have had employers back out of contracts owing my 10s of thousands of dollars. I have been wrongfully (and at times rightfully)terminated. I have been paid virtually nothing to create businesses for people on their word that they'd "take care" of me when they made money. I even had a company that I made millions for, hold my last paycheck and leave me flat broke on New Years after giving proper notice just to punish me for leaving. That said, I would always leave furious that my work ethic and my dedication had not commanded more respect from my employer. It was only recently that I began to understand why.

Exhibit 2

I have spent a lot of time (arguably too much) in the past year analyzing myself and my romantic relationships, the"ins and outs", who was at fault, mistakes made, etc. Mostly, I did this in an attempt not to repeat past mistakes. As many will attest, the"not repeating" thing is not my strongest asset. Nevertheless, I revisited the topic and realized something about the girls that I date. A guynamed Eddie that I worked with about 100 years ago in Disney once said that all girls I dated tucked their hair behind their ear, and that fact, alone, was theonly thing that they all had in common. However, in 2012, I realized that was not the only thing. Not only did all of these girls have something in common with each other, but they have something in common with all of my former employers as well.

Exhibit 3

That common ground is, simply put, that they WANTED me. It didn't matter to me if I wanted them. It didn't matter if it was the meth addict or the fast food joint, if they wanted me, I'd give it a shot. This was based on my own lack of self-worth, my "hole" but I never realized it. I, actually, have VERY specific taste and pretty high job standards. I once saw a former manager of mine at Disney. He was working at the Ale House and I thought "His life didn't turn out well". Granted, I was far more judgmental in my youth. The point is that I always held myself to that high standard in my own head but rather than stand my ground and realize that I needed to shoot higher than a mediocre career or a less than quality girlfriend, I would commit to the first recruiter or psychopath that showed interest in me and my "hole"!

Exhibit 4

A few weeks ago, I went to Orlando and a friend of mine was saying over and over, that he couldn't understand what had "happened" to me. He didn't get how I could have landed so far from where I was and he even went so far as to say "I mean, you're DAVE DEVITO" as if that meant something monumental. My response was to thank him, but to point out how that didn't really get you too much in this world.After a week of reflection and introspective in Orlando, like a baseball bat to the temporal lobe, it hit me! That was IT! The one who didn't see "Dave DeVito" as worth something more, was ME!

Closing Argument

And that truly is it. Now let's go back, back to the millionaires that I was trying to impress. Not because I wanted more money or more recognition, but because I was shoveling dirt into this hole in my self-esteem. No amount of money was ever enough to make me feel proud. Nothing was enough to make me feel "complete". The last 3girls that I had dated all screamed in my face as our relationship ended, that I was impossible to satisfy (One said insatiable: the other two.. not that bright). Of course I was! I wasn't happy with ME! How could they be happy with me?! Moreover, how could they possibly make me happy???? I know this may all seem like common sense or, perhaps, like something out of a self-help book, but it was amazing to click that light on in my head. I have felt like an entirely different person.

That I have figured out this "hole", this insecurity, at 40, is a true blessing to me, mostly, because, now I am at least armed with some information that may actually lead to my own happiness. People say that your 40s are the best time of your life because you're still young enough to go out and do things but you know better than to fall into traps that you wouldn't have seen earlier. Time will tell whether that ends up being true.But there is one thing that I have learned. I need to be my biggest fan.

The defense rests.

Dedication (Ok, that doesn’t fit the theme)

To my friend Jay Pravato, I want to feel as strongly about actually being Dave DeVito as you do about me being Dave DeVito. Thanks!!