I am allergic to life...

Finally got my test results and I am allergic to everything I eat and I eat nothing I'm not allergic to.

Today was my first gluten free and dairy free day. It's going to be a real challenge. Yet I'm hoping to see a dramatic improvement quickly.

We shall see...

Earned Interest

I constantly marvel at how I lost control of the respect of friends last year. On occasion, I still have some people attempt to do it to me this year. Most have learned quickly, that it tends to have far greater consequences these days.

I've always been sensitive when it comes to respect in romantic and business relationships and friendships. Mostly because I have, in the past, tended to give it without having friends, family, coworkers, etc. actually earn it. On at least 20 occasions, it has come back to bite me. Moreover, I spent a great deal of my own time attempting to prove myself to people. Most of whom, in retrospect, are not worthy of my time.

All if this is part of the massive insecurity I have tackled this year and more than a little bit responsible for it altogether.

Many of the people in my life passed unnecessary and certainly inaccurate judgement on me last year. Many people decided that they could enter and exit my life on their own terms and in their own time frame without any regard for the affect it had on me. They also, absolutely assumed and expected for me to be there when they are ready to do so. Like a fool, I always was!

I had given every excuse from the ages of my friends, to their personal struggles getting in the way of their thought processes and consideration to my feelings. But the reality is, I am the one that allowed the disrespect to happen.

So pretty much on a daily basis now, I think of how many people exited my life for good and didn't know it because I decided they didn't need to return.

Nothing in particular happened today to spark this. Actually, a few things happened more than a week ago. But beyond the shadow of a doubt today is the day that I've decided to say it.

I have to say acquaintances are completely different. I'm speaking particularly of people that were a part of my daily life that simply disappeared without warning or reason. Then came back and expected me to be there and pick right back up like they never left.

If we are friends, we are friends all the time. Friends are people that are there for one another.

If dating someone, work, school, family, other friends or personal crisis means that we don't speak for 2, 3 or 6 months, then my work philosophy kicks in...

"If we haven't used it in the last six months, we simply don't need whatever it is... Throw it away!"

"Meant To Live" ~ Switchfoot

"Meant To Live"

Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

[Chorus]
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken, broken

[Chorus]

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life, yeah

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

Useless stuff

So much to write. I'm exhausted but I'm gonna try.

First, I had a spectacular 4 day mini vacation in Orlando. I didn't get to see any of my friends but did get to the beach, get a great new (used) Explorer and gain a new perspective, so it was definitely worth the trip.

Next up, I shaved the girls and they look silly. But they are more lovable than ever so that's been a lot of fun.

I'm broke. But step 1 of my 5 step process is complete. A respectable vehicle. So "check". Now I focus on work and living arrangements.

I like that I've patched up most of the relationships I have with people. That's a pretty cool feeling. I have a lil hostility toward a few of my friends but it'll fade I hope.

Lastly, I want to take a minute to mention how grateful I am for how far I've come in a little over 3 months. Full speed ahead.

Beaching and Moaning

I love Cocoa Beach. I have been going there for 20 years. It's a simple beach with great water and a fantastic surf.

It was so nice to escape for a few days.

More to come...

As it was, as it is, as it will be

So mentioned in a previous entry that the hardest part of the year for me has been remaining "humble".

It's so easy to fall into old habits. Old spending, behavioral and otherwise. The catch is to try to REMEMBER the feelings of being broke, depending on other people for more than I ever imagined and the "funk" of all of the events of last year.

It's like a blast of cold water in my face when I do that. It makes me remember what matters.

I have effectively removed myself from most all of the associations with last year. I have one more huge hurdle to pass. Once it's done I have to focus on climbing back up again. Better apt. Better car. Better career.

You will have ebbs and flows!! Just think of what you want in the future for yourself and it will help you remember it every day!!!!

The beginning of the end...

After nearly a year of personal hell, it would appear as if my biggest issue may finally be coming to an end soon.

Albeit, it doesn't appear to be the resolution I wanted or, frankly, deserved. But, at this point, I just want to begin my new life with an entirely clean slate.

Anyway, it would appear that by my birthday, good, bad or ugly, I will finally be in control of my own future again.

That, above all else, is what matters.

A whole lot of nothin

Wow. It's been too long since I updated this blog.

First things first. Life has been pretty steady. Its been a constant battle between where I want to be, where I am and where I've been. Sometimes it's difficult to keep perspective. I've been through so much yet I try not to kind of "move beyond" where I have been without learning from it. It can be a bit tricky.

Work is fine. A little different than what I am used to but different seems to be my theme this year so bring it on.

I shaved the rotten beasts a few days ago. That's hilarious. They look so goofy. But they're way more freakin adorable now.

On a little bit of a downside, I'm becoming a little disenchanted with some of my friends again. I know that life is constantly evolving, but I really do wish sometimes that some of the people in my life were a little more consistent. Rarely do I reach out for help. It's frustrating when the people in whom I place trust, don't respond. It's just not my style to be like that. But people are who they are... Enough of that.

The only constant is change. Right?

Savior - Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down, a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear

So tell me now if this ain't love then how do we get out?
'Cause I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have, oh, oh

And the day pressed on like crushing weights
For no man does it ever wait
Like memories of dying days that deafen us like hurricanes
Bathed in flames we held the brand, uncurled the fingers in your hand. Pressed into the flesh like sand, now do you understand?

So tell me now if this ain't love then how do we get out?
'Cause I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have, oh, oh

One thousand miles away, there's nothing left to say
But so much left that I don't know
We never had a choice, this world is too much noise
It takes me under, it takes me under once again

I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

So tell me now if this ain't love then how do we get out?
'Cause I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have, oh, oh

I don't hate you
I don't hate you, oh, oh
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no, oh, oh