Good Times... Orrrrrrrr....

In life there's a common belief that one should always remember "where they came from".

Yet I truly believe that one of the great purposes of life is to move forward and evolve continuously. I think it's part of our genetic makeup to look back on past events and see them as less taxing, painful and/or traumatic as they were at the time that they occurred in our life. Consequently, I believe attempting to remember things that you've overcome in your life can be a futile attempt at humility because our brain has simply lessened the lasting impact of terrible events over time. Hence the "time heals all wounds" crap, I mean cliche. Learning from those experiences is, of course, crucial but reliving them virtually impossible.

My best example is the chickenpox. I'd argue that no one remembers exactly how painful or how devastating they were when they had them. Sure, you can say that you were a kid. I wasn't. I was 25 and my doctor said it was the worst case he'd ever seen. Even I don't remember the extent of the pain. Essentially, all that I do remember is that I felt like they would never go away and that nothing would ever feel that bad again. THAT'S the lasting impression that they left on me....


My journey thru Hell took an unbelievably painful turn on this day last year. It was the day that I found out that my 19 year old shift leader had committed an armed robbery and quite literally endangered the lives of my entire crew, including a 16 year old girl who was training on the first night of her first job ever, the night the restaurant was robbed. It was absolutely devastating. I remember screaming "FUCK!" at the top of my lungs when my boss told me she had been arrested and charged. I had spent a week since the robbery vigorously defending the girl because I simply could never believe that someone I knew as well as I thought I knew her, would do something so despicable.

All of this came 2 days after my car had been repossessed. I was entering a life altering downward spiral.

Today, one year ago, I didn't know that tomorrow, one year ago, I would be terminated for those events that had occurred a week prior. But that's precisely what happened. And it left my life completely empty and had me questioning everything about myself and life in general. It was a despair that I cannot adequately express.

So, happy November 21st 2012 to everyone, especially me. I have learned so much in the past 365 days yet rereading this post I haven't recaptured one one-hundredth of the feeling and honestly, I guess I feel blessed for that.

Life is a series of triumphs and tribulations. Occasionally, one of them changes your perspective forever. I'm grateful to be here, in Orlando, in school, away from the drama and the pain. This, right now, is one of those times that I'll look back on and see myself as being incredibly happy. Even if I do forget that once in a while.

So, my challenges have changed in 2102, as has my perspective. I have spent the year trying to remember where I came from and applying the hard learned lessons that accompanied it. When December 31st comes this year, my year of respect and remembrance will be over, and I look forward to the good part... Appreciating where and who I AM NOW!!!

This is so my issue...

It’s mid-November and the year of personal growth is rapidly coming to a close for me. Yet as time marches onward, I still feel that I am not quite there yet.

I am trying very hard not to fall into an old trap.  Insecurity is a fascinating thing. It makes you see things that aren’t there; miss some of the things that are right in front of you and find yourself in a bad place when you didn’t even know it was happening. 

If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it’s that I am a good person. I, literally do nothing with the intent to hurt people or myself. It’s something I am VERY proud to say. 

We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves. We all have things that we assume others don’t like about us. Yet, when we are confronted face to face with someone telling us that THEY don’t like that quality, it seems particularly tough to handle. I have my imperfections. But even those aren’t meant to be hurtful or angry. They’re simply things that make me human. When someone that you care about tremendously points them out it becomes almost overbearing and if I’m not careful, they can make me spiral. I can’t change my past and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to. 

The problem with life in the 21^st Century is that what was once a shoe box of old photos and memories in your closet is now on Facebook (or a blog) for the world to see and reference forever. I had an old girlfriend who was so insecure that she made me destroy all of my photos of life before her. I loved her, so I did. The problem was, we broke up, now there’s no record of my life before her and my 25 birthday or so. I vowed I would never do that again. The problem with things like Facebook’s timeline is that it ALSO keeps the things you never wanted to keep and in some ways didn’t even remember you posted, thought or EVER wanted to relive. It was so much easier with a shoebox…. You’d cut them up, burn them or trash them however you wanted. Now it’s more complicated.

I imagine that I am rambling, so let me get to my point. I am not perfect. I work every day to be the best me that I can be and in this life that’s all I think you can ask of anyone. Unlike most people, I have plastered a GREAT DEAL of my personal life online. Many people have asked why.

Sometimes I think it’s because it’s therapeutic. Sometimes I narcissistically think it’s because I can help others to realize how human they are. 

The reality is I am not sure why I am ok with posting my past and my flaws online. It may really be because I am hoping that by people around me knowing everything about me, they’ll know when they are hurting me and stop. It doesn’t always work that way though.

So tomorrow is a new day. I’ll try to keep my opinions to myself. I’ll try not to hurt those around me. I’ll try to make myself a better listener and try to close in on perfect. I won’t succeed. But I guess the hope is that one day, what I do have to offer is just right to be happy.