This is so my issue...

It’s mid-November and the year of personal growth is rapidly coming to a close for me. Yet as time marches onward, I still feel that I am not quite there yet.

I am trying very hard not to fall into an old trap.  Insecurity is a fascinating thing. It makes you see things that aren’t there; miss some of the things that are right in front of you and find yourself in a bad place when you didn’t even know it was happening. 

If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it’s that I am a good person. I, literally do nothing with the intent to hurt people or myself. It’s something I am VERY proud to say. 

We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves. We all have things that we assume others don’t like about us. Yet, when we are confronted face to face with someone telling us that THEY don’t like that quality, it seems particularly tough to handle. I have my imperfections. But even those aren’t meant to be hurtful or angry. They’re simply things that make me human. When someone that you care about tremendously points them out it becomes almost overbearing and if I’m not careful, they can make me spiral. I can’t change my past and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to. 

The problem with life in the 21^st Century is that what was once a shoe box of old photos and memories in your closet is now on Facebook (or a blog) for the world to see and reference forever. I had an old girlfriend who was so insecure that she made me destroy all of my photos of life before her. I loved her, so I did. The problem was, we broke up, now there’s no record of my life before her and my 25 birthday or so. I vowed I would never do that again. The problem with things like Facebook’s timeline is that it ALSO keeps the things you never wanted to keep and in some ways didn’t even remember you posted, thought or EVER wanted to relive. It was so much easier with a shoebox…. You’d cut them up, burn them or trash them however you wanted. Now it’s more complicated.

I imagine that I am rambling, so let me get to my point. I am not perfect. I work every day to be the best me that I can be and in this life that’s all I think you can ask of anyone. Unlike most people, I have plastered a GREAT DEAL of my personal life online. Many people have asked why.

Sometimes I think it’s because it’s therapeutic. Sometimes I narcissistically think it’s because I can help others to realize how human they are. 

The reality is I am not sure why I am ok with posting my past and my flaws online. It may really be because I am hoping that by people around me knowing everything about me, they’ll know when they are hurting me and stop. It doesn’t always work that way though.

So tomorrow is a new day. I’ll try to keep my opinions to myself. I’ll try not to hurt those around me. I’ll try to make myself a better listener and try to close in on perfect. I won’t succeed. But I guess the hope is that one day, what I do have to offer is just right to be happy.